Thursday, May 29, 2014

Closure . . .

This is a post I have put off, not really sure whether I wanted to  post about it or not . . . please bear with me on some very personal thoughts.

The last few weeks have been just full of emotion, of thoughts and feelings that I thought had been long buried and forgotten.

My youngest brother, who, for reasons of his own, was not close to our family, was diagnosed with pancreatic and liver cancer, about 2 months ago, he was only 52 years old.  He didn't live nearby, so no one really saw him or really knew how serious his condition was, or how sick he was.  In fact, I don't think anyone had seen him for at least 5 maybe 6 years.  After his diagnosis, my older sister would talk to him every other day or so, and we would find out how he was doing.  On May 20th, I received a phone call from my older brother, letting me know that my brother was in the ICU, and that his situation was very serious, and that he was not expected to live through the night, that he and my older sister were going to go and be with him and his daughter at the hospital.  He passed away later that night, his body ravaged with cancer.

I had a very rocky relationship with this brother - he really disliked me!  I won't go into details, because it's not important now, but he felt like I ruined his life, when I was actually trying to help him.  I have not had the same reaction to his death as my other siblings.  I have not felt that "sting" of death, or that deep sadness.   He lived a very sad life, full of bad decisions, and consequences, so for me, his death was a blessing, because I truly feel like there were just things in this life that were holding him back from being the person that he wanted to be - he will be able to progress and heal on the other side, we have been promised that, by a loving Father in Heaven, who knows us, and loves us, and is anxiously waiting for us to return to him.

I have had a chance to examine my feelings for my brother, and my heart has softened somewhat.  I will choose to remember him as a child - full of energy, full of life, full of love.  I will choose to think of him with kind thoughts and good memories, of good times we had together and fun times.

His daughter had him cremated, so my mother, who is unable to travel, did not get a chance to see him for the last time, and find the closure that she so desperately needs and wants. We are having a memorial service for him this coming Saturday, and hopefully my mother can find some peace and closure.  I found closure many years ago.  My faith is strong, and I know that he is in a better place, with family and loved ones who are comforting him and loving him . . . I know that I will see him again, and it will be a happy reunion. Good-bye little brother . . . until we meet again . . .

 Mark Howard Taylor 1962 - 2014

. . . Why should I be out of mind, because I am out of sight?  I am but waiting for you, for an interval.  Somewhere.  Very near.  Just around the corner.  All is well.

~Henry Scott Holland~



  1. I, too, have 'brother' problems and have had all my life. One older and one younger. The older one finally pushed me as far as I could go anymore at my father's funeral three years ago. I have chosen to not have either of them in my life anymore. This is certainly not the answer and most assuredly not Christian, but I just have had it with what they both have done. Until I can deal with it in the future, that's kind of the way it is for now. I don't know what the outcome will be.

    I know you're hurting. I'm so sorry. I so love that song. The video is not working well so you might want to check that. I wonder if these things get straightened out in the next world. There's so much I do not know. May God be with you. Hugs!

  2. I'm sorry for your loss, Barb. Your brother was a handsome young man. I don't know why so many families have problems. My hubby isn't very close to either his brother or sister, their choosing. Who knows why. Well, part of the problem is that his brother's wife hates me, why I don't know, but she runs things in that household. The sister hasn't liked me since I told her she was a spoiled brat way back when she was 14 and slapped my hubby because he wouldn't give her money. Sigh. Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone could just put aside their differences and just get along? I guess we won't see that in this lifetime. I think you are very wise in choosing to remember your brother when he was younger and think on the good times. May the upcoming memorial service bring peace and closure for your mother and for you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Hugs and love, Cheryl

  3. Barb,
    I think that this is a well-written post about your brother and your relationship with him.
    I can relate to this post, more than you know.
    It's good for you to remember good things about your brother.

    Hopefully, the memorial service will give his family closure in their individual and respective relationships with him.

    May the Lord bless you and your family during this time.


  4. I am so sorry for your loss, Barb, but thankful you had formed closure, and now my prayer is that your Mom will have her closure. Your brother was so handsome, remembering the good times always helps with healing!
    This song was so beautiful, and timely! You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. I understand...

    Much love always.


  6. Barb.....know that my thoughts and prayers are with you!

  7. Oh dear friend I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your brother. He is in a better place and will have the help of those on the other side. I hope the memorial service has brought your family and your mother comfort and peace. Oh how the choices one makes can bring so much pain but I know that you know the whole picture and the atonement is there for all. I believe he will have time to find his real self again.
    Prayers, blessings and hugs for you!

  8. Dearest Barb, my heart goes out to you and I will keep you all in my prayers. {{HUGS}}

  9. Mom, I loved your thoughts on Mark. You and Karen did a wonderful job on his Memorial. I am sure when you see the big picture, that the little things in the past really do not matter. I am so glad you are such a good example to all of us. Love you!

  10. Dear Barb,

    I found your blog on the roster of Always Fixin' Never Sittin'.

    And I just wanted to say how sorry I am. Loss - no matter when or whom just hurts. And loss when things haven't been reconciled has a sneakiness to it. So I shall pray for you, and for your little brother and for his family and for your mom.

    I lost my first husband to liver cancer - he didn't know he had it, found out and 6 weeks later was gone.

    It's an awful thing, and I am happy he is no longer suffering.

    God bless you and keep you strong in your faith. Pray for those who do NOT believe - can you imagine how loss would be for the unbelievers?



  11. Hi Barb - I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. You post actually really hit home for me because our oldest son - age 23 is estranged from our family due to his decisions and by his choice. I worry that we will never be reconciled in this life, but have put it in God's hands. It is heartbreaking for a parent and I truly feel for your mom, and all of your family. Thank you for sharing your faith. We know that God will make all things right and life is eternal. Hugs and prayers for you and your family from Arizona.

  12. Thank you for posting this Barb, some day I might be able to do the same. I am so glad I have you as my sister. I love you to the moon and back!


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